Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
