I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
