I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
