I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
