The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
being pregnant is like rehab
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
