Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
