I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
