I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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