you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
