If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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