I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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