3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
