Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
from now on my penis is your penis
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
