Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
