Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
