I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
