I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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