I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
