I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
