I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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