They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
