i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
