What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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