3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
