Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
