Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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