It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
As shirtless as possible
Every concussion has its silver lining
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
