So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
