So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
