update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
