I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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