I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
