On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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