I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
