everyone is single if you try hard enough
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
