I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
