there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
