so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
