I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
