My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
