my being single is dangerous.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
