Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
