he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
