i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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