Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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