After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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