I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
