just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize