so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
