Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
